So school has started again and the routine of studying till my head explodes has begun.
However, yesterday I took a break from that routine and went out on a date with my husband. We walked holding hands, had dinner and sat outside on the patio of the restaurant, laughed, I drank wine, he drank beer, we even squeezed in a movie. It was a such a wonderful night. We don't always have time for dates, and if we do something without the kids we just catch a movie and come back home. But it was so wonderful to have that time of conversation and just telling jokes and laughing at each others silliness.
That's something that's very important for a couple. To have conversation, to be comfortable in each others presence, to be able to tell jokes and to laugh at each other, but most important to just talk about whatever comes to mind. Men shy away from talk most of the time, because women tend to always want to talk about their feelings, or gossip about other people (don't shake your head, because you know that's true), so when our husbands or boyfriends hear "let's go out so we can talk" they fear that like the bogey monster in the closet.
Talking is not something we should want to set up time aside for, everyday couples should be talking. Talk about how work was, talk about random stuff you read on the Internet, talk about the kids and their funny behavior, talk about yard work, talk about plans for the house, discuss a movie in depth....
When was the last time that your husband or wife talked to you about mundane uninteresting things and you listed with interest?
This is a problem that couples face and most of the time women feel it more than men do, and that's where the conversation "we need to talk...you don't care about how I feel" stems from. The men half of the relationship may be caring and doing nothing wrong, but to us women, not listening to our random rambling equates to not caring about our feelings. Does this make any sense to men? No. But why is that? Well it's because it doesn't make sense at all.
Just because our menfolk don't want to listen to our constant rambling about the crappy work day we had, or the crazy girl that's driving us crazy at work does not mean they don't care about us. Men's brains are different, and maybe the root of the problem is the womenfolk are not listening back.
Are you listening to your men when he talks about sports, or the book he read, or the report he had to write at work? Ahhh, that seems boring to you, well, what do you think he is thinking when you're telling him about shopping with your girls???
So how do we solve the problem?
To solve the situation couples need to practice something called "active listening". This is where you make a conscious effort to hear not only the words that another person is saying but, more importantly, try to understand the complete message being sent.
In order to do this you must pay attention to the other person very carefully.
You cannot allow yourself to become distracted by whatever else may be going on around you, or by forming counter arguments that you'll make when the other person stops speaking.
To enhance your listening skills, you need to let the other person know that you are listening to what he or she is saying. To understand the importance of this, ask yourself if you've ever been engaged in a conversation when you wondered if the other person was listening to what you were saying. You wonder if your message is getting across, or if it's even worthwhile continuing to speak. It feels like talking to a brick wall and it's something you want to avoid. We've all had this happen with our significant others before, we are talking non stop but they look like they are in another world, and trust me, we have done it ourselves.
Acknowledgement can be something as simple as a nod of the head or a simple "uh huh." You aren't necessarily agreeing with the person, you are simply indicating that you are listening. Using body language and other signs to acknowledge you are listening also reminds you to pay attention and not let your mind wander.
So starting today, let's try something new. We are going to strive to be better listeners. We cannot ask our spouses to listen to us, if we are not listening to them. The most important step of listening is acknowledging the person and being able to summarize what they are saying to us. Ok so maybe you won't be able to spit back all the baseball stats your husband knows, but maybe you will be able to pick up on who's his favorite player, or is he unsatisfied with his job, or even that he secretly enjoys watching chick flicks with you...(hey we can hope right?)
Luckily, there are only three steps to become a better listener, so it shouldn't be hard to follow them.
Step 1: Pay attention.
Give the speaker your undivided attention, and acknowledge the message. Recognize that non-verbal communication also "speaks" loudly.
Look at the speaker directly.
Put aside distracting thoughts. Don't mentally prepare a rebuttal!
Avoid being distracted by environmental factors.
"Listen" to the speaker's body language.
Refrain from side conversations when listening in a group setting.
Step 2: Show that you are listening.
Use your own body language and gestures to convey your attention.
Nod occasionally.
Smile and use other facial expressions.
Note your posture and make sure it is open and inviting.
Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal comments like yes, and uh huh.
Step 3: Provide feedback.
Our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear. As a listener, your role is to understand what is being said. This may require you to reflect what is being said and ask questions.
Reflect what has been said by paraphrasing. "What I'm hearing is." and "Sounds like you are saying." are great ways to reflect back.
Ask questions to clarify certain points. "What do you mean when you say." "Is this what you mean?"
Summarize the speaker's comments periodically.
Let's try these steps together, and if you have success and feel that communication improves in your relationship, let me know here on my blog. I will also try these steps in my own relationship.
Happy listening everyone!
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